


One Step at a Time

by TheGirlWithBrightEyes



Series: Fragments of Life [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 05:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19738933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlWithBrightEyes/pseuds/TheGirlWithBrightEyes
Summary: Despite his attitude and foul mouth Crowley is really quite a softie and much kinder than he'd like to admit. He's also hated himself for so long for loving Aziraphale that although he has long since accepted defeat, it's still a delicate subject. Aziraphale wants him to know that he is worthy of being loved, but Crowley can't handle the way he goes about it.





	One Step at a Time

**Author's Note:**

> I consider the corporeal bodies of cosmic beings sexless but otherwise human since they can be discorporated by things like gunshots and being beheaded. This means they need a beating heart to circulate blood and lungs (and breathing, only they can suppress this temporarily if they make an effort to, like Crowley did driving his burning Bentley. According to the book he had to remember not to breathe) to supply it with oxygen. In the book at least Crowley is able to sweat so he will probably have other very human body functions.

Aziraphale sat watching Crowley one late afternoon, his book still lying over his lap, snow falling outside. The demon was sprawled over the sofa, as close to the small radiator he'd gifted Aziraphale as he could. He'd been snoozing on and off for a couple of hours, a very light sleep since he was still not comfortable with being in the bookshop. This was about as relaxed as he got in here these days.

"Crowley?" Aziraphale said softly and unsurprisingly Crowley's eyes fluttered open. He looked over to the angel, questioning. "How are you feeling?"

"Uneasy but it's bearable," he said, coiling one arm around his head. "Why?"

"You were sleeping so lightly," Aziraphale said, then closed his book, frowning. "Would you prefer it if we relocated to your flat instead?" Crowley looked thoughtful then glanced around the bookshop, books everywhere and half buried furniture from the last turn of the century. Needless to say, it was cluttered and dark.

"But you like it better here than at my home," he commented and Aziraphale shrugged.

"I treasure my bookshop, you know that," he said, with an affirmative hum from the demon. "But you don't like to be here anymore and quite frankly...well, now that we are lovers I don't mind much wherever we are as long as you're with me." Crowley's jaw dropped slightly and he closed it with a small snap of teeth meeting teeth, before a blush spread up from his throat up over his cheeks. "Oh come now..."Aziraphale muttered. "It's been months."

"W-well, we haven't really...talked about it," Crowley mumbled, voice small and rather uncertain. As he said so, it struck Aziraphale that it was true. After their confessions that day, several months ago now and that first, chaste kiss they hadn't really done much. Cuddled slightly, touching a great deal more than before. Cared for each other. The odd hug and kisses, most of them not actually on the lips. Nothing more intimate than that.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Aziraphale asked carefully, not wanting to pressure Crowley more than he had to. The demon was feeling much better but he still reacted quite violently to sensitive subjects when pressured. Crowley considered the question for such a long time that Aziraphale's shoulders sunk. "When you are ready to, dear."

"Yeah..."Crowley scowled, not looking at him. "I guess we should talk about it..."he glanced uncertainly around again. "But not here. I think I...no... I _need_ a setting that feels...comfortable," he said, each word sounding as if he really didn't want to say them, but felt he had to. Aziraphale looked at him for a long moment, then put his book aside and got up, stepping over to the sofa. As he did, Crowley looked up on him with such an questioning look Aziraphale couldn't help smiling. He was adorable at times like this.

"We don't have to talk about it until you want to," he said softly, planting an upside-down kiss on Crowley's forehead. The demon gave him a small, crooked smile before reaching out to Aziraphale, tilting his chin up. Aziraphale took it as an invitation and gave Crowley a gentle kiss - just pressing lips against lips. He sighed and couldn't help placing another one of Crowley's lips, then another, and another...his hunger getting the better of him. The first few kisses Crowley tried to answer, but when Aziraphale got greedy he felt him recoil, ever so slightly. The angel withdrew with some concern and found Crowley looking at him with an expression he'd never seen on his face before. He looked like he couldn't decide between happy and scared and ended up blushing and looking quite anxious, slightly shrunken back into a very odd position on the sofa. It didn't look even remotely comfortable.

"...sorry," Aziraphale mumbled, blushing in shame. He felt as if he'd molested Crowley although all he'd done was kiss him. No tongue or anything. "I-I got a bit carried away." He reached out to help Crowley sit up and the demon gave him a rather uncertain look as he let him. He licked his lips.

"'S okay," he managed, straightening up in an attempt to regain his usual careless posture. "A bit of snogging never hurt anyone, did it?" he added with a laugh, although it wasn't without a nervous edge. "Just...just not used to the thought yet, I guess..."he added in a quieter tone, frowning as he lowered his gaze, turning away from Aziraphale.

"Go for a walk?" Aziraphale suggested and was met with an incredulous look from Crowley before he realised what he'd just said, blushing as the leash incident cropped up in memory. "I didn't mean it like that..."he complained. "All right, let's just...I don't know...go somewhere you feel more comfortable. Wherever you like." Crowley was quiet and Aziraphale could almost hear the conflicts in his head, before he got up and gave the angel a meaningful look, sauntering out from the bookshop. Aziraphale followed him and they got into the Bentley parked outside.

"I wonder if I'll ever see that building without thinking of the flames and the smell," Crowley said unhappily before he shook his head and started the car. They drove in silence because Aziraphale didn't dare push or start a discussion about the bookshop and Crowley's mind was occupied. He seemingly drove around aimlessly, emotions crossing his face the entire time and it was clear that a lot of thoughts went through the demon's mind. He was very tense and Aziraphale had a feeling that if he said something there was a high risk of a shouting match. Crowley would have to be the one to break the silence.

They'd been driving around London for perhaps an hour before they eventually parked outside Crowley's flat. It had stopped snowing and was just starting to get darker outside. The demon didn't get out so Aziraphale waited patiently.

"I think...at the heart of it all is that I've spent too long hating myself for what I feel," Crowley said slowly, not looking at Aziraphale. "I'm a demon. I shouldn't...and you _definitely_ shouldn't... And when I finally accepted that it was the way it was..." he continued, bordering on babbling but at the core there was something important to learn, so Aziraphale concentrated on piecing it together. "A-and I really tried...tried so hard but you...were so bloody stubborn," he leaned over the steering wheel, arms crossed over it as he scowled, looking somewhere beyond the pavement, very pale. "So bloody stubborn...and you kept reminding me of the fact that I'm a demon and unworthy and...it hurt. It always hurt and it makes this so _hard_." Aziraphale's heart sunk. He'd fuelled all this. Belittled Crowley and put him under his heel as a lesser being. He knew he had because it was easier than admit how much he loved him. He bit his lip, guilt washing over him.

"I-I..."he started. "I am truly sorry..."he whispered, eyes stinging. "It wasn't fair. It was never fair. If....if anyone was aware of what you are, it is you." Crowley nodded without looking up. "But you were always worthy. It was my fault, all of it, for trying to cope the wrong way, using you. You hate me saying it but...you are kind, Crowley. You always were." Crowley grimaced violently as he said it.

"Angel..."he said, displeasure evident in his voice with the hint of a warning but it lacked his usual bite.

"No. Please let me, Crowley." Crowley fell silent and gave him a disgusted look. "You were always kind. Only a kind hearted being could watch God at work with slaughter and say it is wrong. You loathed it when children were drowned in the floods. You mourned during the Black Death. You suffered during persecutions. You felt so much more during all these millennia than I ever could. I can't...I refuse to believe that compassion makes you unworthy of anything, least of all love. It's your compassion that brought us together, again and again."

"...selfish..."Crowley whispered brokenly with self-loathing but Aziraphale shook his head. He was curling up in his seat, forehead against the steering wheel, hands fisted on his lap. He didn't want to listen anymore but Aziraphale kept _talking_.

"No. No, it's not selfish and you _know_ that. I don't think it's possible to live a life without doing something selfish now and then, if only just in thought. But as a whole you are not a selfish being. You are made of compassion and it always hurt you deeply and _still_ is now."

Crowley's jaws worked but he couldn't get anything out, his last shreds of pride crumbling, the pain of six millennia searing through his heart and brain. His vision blackened at the edges and he realised that he was panting softly and looked at his hands. They were trembling.

"Shit," he managed, almost biting his tongue in the process. The Bentley was suddenly too hot, too constricted and there was not enough oxygen. He tore out the door and almost slammed into the wall on the other side of the pavement on uncoordinated legs. He put his palms flat against the wall, leaning against it as his panting turned into open-mouthed gasps. Sweat was beginning to form on his face and back. He knew this sensation. He'd felt it before and it never ended well. It was at times like this he turned into a snake but he couldn't do that here, out in the street...

"Crowley!" he could hear Aziraphale cry his name and before he knew it the angel was there. "Breathe. Please, love, breathe." Aziraphale stroked his back anxiously, trying to make him look at him and breathe with him. Crowley tried. He almost ended up choking instead and started coughing, fighting for air.

"Is there a problem?" Aziraphale started and looked up, his fingers lightly curling around Crowley's jacket.

"I-I...he's not feeling well, constable. I'll handle it, you don't have-" Crowley could vaguely hear Aziraphale say. Then the police was at his elbow and he glanced at him, noting the look of concern. "Constable?" The police's eyes flicked up briefly then back, before he took a light grip on Crowley's arm. The demon flinched at the touch from a stranger and human to boot.

"Please sir, sit down. You are having a panic attack," he said in a calm, reasoning voice. "You are not getting enough oxygen to your brain." Crowley wanted to snap at the man, feeling thoroughly annoyed at a human interfering but his brain and mouth didn't want to cooperate. His vision blackened again, threatening him to pass out.

"Please, Crowley," he heard Aziraphale's desperate voice beside him and all anger drained from him. Shivering he let them help him sit down on his knees and lean his head to the ground as they tried to make him draw deeper breaths. After several minutes of fighting to breathe normally, the panic that had overcome him started giving way, leaving him exhausted.

"Okay," he mumbled, raising his head slightly, drenched in sweat. "'m okay..."Aziraphale couldn't help it, he burst into tears, wrapping his arms around Crowley as he sobbed into his jacket, whispering 'I'm sorry' over and over again at a heartbreaking pitch. Drawing a deep breath, Crowley gingerly managed to sit back on his haunches. After a moment or two he'd gathered himself enough to wrap one arm around the distraught angel, who pushed into his embrace clinging to his jacket. "Please, angel..."he mumbled weakly into Aziraphale's hair, but it only made him cry harder.

"Sir?" Crowley looked up at the human police still sitting crouched beside them with a concerned look on his face. "Can I help you home?" he asked and the dazed Crowley lightly shook his head, regretting it instantly because it made him dizzy.

"'S okay, I live here," he made a vague gesture over his shoulder with his free hand. "We'll manage." Then, heart sinking in his chest he added 'thanks', not in the mood for a spat later with Aziraphale about being ungrateful. The man had just tried to help. The police man nodded slowly, then got up.

"All right, if you are sure. Good day to you sir, and well, take care now." He motioned toward Aziraphale, who's crying had subsided somewhat and he hiccupped in a disconsolate way. "You gave him a good scare." Crowley looked sadly down on Aziraphale, feeling guilty although he knew that it was the angel that had triggered the whole thing.

"Yeah..."he said wearily. The police touched his hat and somewhat reluctantly left them. Crowley listened to Aziraphale's sobbing for a minute or two, trying to get his brain back in gear. It was difficult and slow work.

"Angel?" Crowley tried after a while and Aziraphale moved back slightly to look up on him. His face was streaked with tears. The angel reached out to touch his cheek and Crowley sighed, covering it with his own.

"I am so sorry, Crowley," Aziraphale rasped out, regret from every syllable. "This was all my fault...I should have stopped when you asked me to. I just never learn to shut up and I am really a horrible listener..." He sounded heartbroken. Crowley sniffled and turned his eyes briefly to the skies where the snow had once more started falling. He found himself freezing. They had been outside for a long time, sitting on the cold ground at least a quarter of an hour. He had no idea how long his panic attack had taken.

"Let's get inside," Crowley said, knowing full well he sounded out of it, his voice distant to his own ears. Aziraphale wiped at his eyes and gingerly got up, pulling Crowley with him. He was stiff from sitting on his knees on the pavement and his knees were sore. Aziraphale supported him all the way upstairs but the angel was quite out of it as well making the unlocking of doors difficult.

Once they managed to get inside the flat, they half stumbled their way to the bedroom where they crashed on the bed without bothering to change. At once, Aziraphale pulled himself up and cradled Crowley's head to his chest, pressing against him before he started caressing his hair. Crowley let out a sigh, letting himself relax and just enjoy having Aziraphale so close. Feel his warmth and his scent, the gentle caresses lulling him to sleep.

...

When Crowley woke up, he found that neither of them had moved. Aziraphale was still cradling his head, caressing him. Time must have passed though, because outside the sun had come up and it had stopped snowing again. As he moved ever so slightly, Aziraphale seemed to come out of his reverie. He placed a gentle kiss on Crowley's head.

"How are you, love?" he whispered with a delicate tone. Crowley pressed his forehead against Aziraphale's chest, drawing in his scent. It was comforting.

"Better... I'm sorry I lost it out there," he said, not wanting to think about it, just like he didn't want to think about all other episodes he'd had these last months. He could feel Aziraphale shake his head.

"No...it wasn't your fault. I know full well you still have problems dealing with your emotions and I put you under pressure... I was being stubborn again and hurt you. It's all my fault." The angel's voice was so small, so very regretful and it hurt in itself. Crowley couldn't find it in him to fault him though, Aziraphale's words was what had triggered him this time. The angel wasn't innocent. Although he knew Aziraphale meant well it had been the wrong thing to say just right then.

"Please don't push me to question my existence..."he therefore whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "I can't cope with that... I just can't..."He felt Aziraphale shiver, they were so close he could feel every movement, every breath, hear his heartbeat.

"I know... I know..."he whispered back, sounding close to tears. "I am _so_ sorry, love..."Crowley lifted his arm from where it lay curled between them and put it on Aziraphale's hip, lightly caressing him with his fingers. The angel kissed his hair at the touch.

"Have you been sleeping?" Crowley murmured, feeling weary to the bone from feeling too much. The hours of sleep had rested his body but not his soul.

"No..."Aziraphale said quietly. "No, I couldn't, I... I had to be here for you. I know I'm pretty useless but I... I love you..."Crowley moved slightly to look up on Aziraphale. The angel looked completely heartbroken, lightly caressing his cheeks with his fingertips. "First I kiss you too much and then I say too much..."

"I'm sorry," Crowley said regretfully. "It's not easy for me to...well..."he dropped his head against the covers, looking up on Aziraphale. "I've loved you for 6000 years and hated myself for it for almost all of that time. It's not that I don't want you to kiss me or touch me. It's just hard." His voice was low, almost sleepy. "It's difficult for an angel to understand what it's like to...to be overwhelmed by love directed at you."

"Even such a little thing as a kiss?" Aziraphale said, lips quivering. Crowley swallowed.

"It's not a little thing to me," he said and saw the angel's eyes widen slightly. It was true. Just holding each other like this was huge and important to him. Kisses went over that fine line into an intimacy he'd never had. And beyond that? He didn't know how he'd feel. Just letting someone that close after millennia of keeping anyone away from him was terrifying, you didn't go near other demons unless you absolutely had no other choice. "If...if I'd let anyone inside my space it's you," he said delicately. "But you have to take it slow."

"I'll...I'll always ask," Aziraphale mumbled. "I won't do a thing if you are not ready. I'll...I'll even let you take the initiative, if you want." Crowley licked his lips.

"I...don't think that's a good idea," he said, seriously. "I'm rubbish at things like this. It doesn't come natural to me... I-I wasn't that kind of Tempter demon. That's an incubi's job. Me I'm just persuasive...lots of bark and not much bite, like you said." This coaxed a small smile from Aziraphale, which was a relief after all the tears.

"Well you are really good at that," the angel said, fondness in his eyes. "You even managed to persuade this stubborn angel." Crowley snorted slightly.

"You were difficult, I'll give you that," he said, amused beside himself. "Didn't really try until I discovered we were cancelling each other out though...still...roughly five hundred years are a lot longer than your average human lasts." Aziraphale seemed to contemplate this, his fingertips lightly tracing Crowley's face.

"6000 years..."he mumbled thoughtfully. "It's a long time to love someone." Crowley watched him, the angel looking at him but not into his eyes. He seemed to look into his soul. The demon shivered. "Rewarding patience with patience is the least I can do."

"But you still want intimacy," Crowley said, suppressing a tremor at this thought. Aziraphale sighed and pressed his forehead to Crowley's, cupping his face in his hands.

"I love you, of course I want to be intimate with you," he said tenderly. "I want it all. But I will wait until you are ready, even if I have to wait a thousand years more." Crowley's cheeks flushed briefly at this.

"I-I don't think it'll take quite that long..."he muttered. "But...thanks..."Then he let out a sigh and lifted his hand to pry Aziraphale's hands from his face, allowing him to move. He looked into the angel's blue eyes, which shone with such genuine care for him. Swallowing, he lifted his chin and met Aziraphale's lips in a very soft kiss. Their lips were barely touching but as he moved back down the angel was almost moved to tears.

"My sweet, sweet Crowley..."he whispered, and the demon blushed with mixed feelings, half shame at being called sweet, half delight at Aziraphale's tone of voice. He settled against Aziraphale again, heaving a deep sigh.

One step at a time.


End file.
